It is funny that I'm writing a post on positivity on a day where I don't feel super positive. I'm feeling a bit melancholic today. I'm been pushing myself too hard physically, with my commitments, and with tasks around the house. (My choice.) I woke up today tired, hormonal, and in a good deal of pain. Those things don't seem to be helping my mood at all.
Today is one of those days where I just want to lay in bed under my covers and do nothing. If I do anything at all I want to try and convince myself that it isn't too much work to order food from Door Dash. Getting out of bed and opening my front door to retrieve the food they'd deliver feels like an exhausting amount of work.
I know it isn't that much work. I know I'm blessed to have a fridge full of food and the luxury of having the option to order food. Not wanting to do the bare minimum of movement it would take for me to nourish my body is how I know I'm more just than physically tired and in pain. I'm struggling emotionally. My emotional reactions have been a bit more over the top the last few days. (I both cried and laughed at commercials this week...in the same 5 minute span.) The anxiety disorder I'm diagnosed with, OCD, has been worse. I find myself repeating things in my head, or getting really bent out of shape about things that don't matter because I feel they need to be a certain way. They don't.
I'm just tired. Very, very tired.
Actually, I'm more that tired. I feel like I'm suffering from burnout, but it isn't from a particular situation or a job. The burnout is a result of my own life choices as well as the general heaviness of life right now. It feels like an all consuming wave or complete mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion is drowning me.
It is the times I feel like this that the emotions and attitudes of others really impact me. That is when the positivity of someone else can raise my spirits and help me. On the flip side it is also when the negativity of someone other than myself can just drag me down even more. Which, is actually really nice knowledge to have! I can recognize I'm struggling and surround myself with the people and messages I need until I'm doing better! I now have the knowledge to recognize and remedy a problem I'm having.
It is about dang time I figure that stuff out. It only took 36 years, y'all! Go me!
That just had me thinking about life in general today. In the last year I've really made more of an effort to place myself around positive people and messages. I know what I put in my brain impacts me more than I realize. Once I made the conscious effort to do that I let go of so much. I even stopped reading the news so often. I didn't need the unnecessary negativity in my life. I have shifted into this gooey cupcake of love, peace and harmony. The longer I spend in the presence of joyful positivity, the better.
It still doesn't mean there are not hard days. Days like today.
I just know now that I have to get out of bed and keep pushing forward. I need to be productive even when I don't feel like it. Accomplishing anything helps me feel happy. I need to push myself to be around people who bring me joy, knowing they will distract my brain and bring the joy out of me. It takes work, though and who wants to work when they are tired?
It takes effort and discipline to make sure I'm doing the things I need to and not wallowing and falling to an even darker place. I have to trust in God.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.
Isaiah 43:2
God has me. His timing, and His plan for my life are perfect. I can't forget that. I need to make a gratitude list and focus on all that I have. I need to get out of my own head and heart and help others. What helps me, and what I have to do, is to act joyful until the joy comes...because it will.
I'm positive of that!
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