After living for a month on two hour cat naps sprinkled amongst my day I wake up gasping for air. I’m in the midst of another panic attack. I’ve had a nightmare and can’t catch my breath. The two Labradors laying next to me in bed don’t even lift theirs heads. Their used to it by now. I tell Alexa to turn on my lights and reach for my phone. I’ve only been asleep for twenty minutes. Time is crawling in this current depression I’m existing in. I scrunch back under my covers and start the rhythmic rocking and breathing exercises that bring me comfort. I make sure my bedroom door is closed to shield my family from my crazy. They love me so much. They carry my burdens with me, but I’m exhausted from being a bother.
I pick up my phone again and wipe my tears away. I Google scriptures about anxiety. Scriptures about hope. I pray. I try to thank God for all the things I do have. I’ve only been sick one month. I have light at the end of the tunnel. I just have to keep going.
I continue to scroll through things on my phone. I see pictures of my niece and nephew and cry because I’m missing out on making memories with them. I don’t want to be the sick aunt, but I don’t want to be around them when I’m mentally ill. Holding it in and acting normal is the most exhausting thing I do. And then I spend the next week analyzing things I said and how I acted. They are so impressionable right now. But they are one of the biggest things that brings me joy and takes my mind off my anxiety. I cried in the shower this morning thinking about how much my family loves and supports me. I’m undeserving of love like this.
I’ve spent years telling sponsees that there is purpose in pain. It doesn’t happen without a reason, we just can’t see the reason God can in our moment of suffering. I wish I could swallow my own advice. I break out in a sweat and turn bright red. It’s ok…I’ll be freezing cold in 15 minutes. I just need to keep hanging on through this hormone rollercoaster.
I haven’t left the house in two days. I keep thinking about leaving but there are so many reasons not to. What if I get in a car accident? What if there is a bank error and my debit card doesn’t work? What would people think? I feel I’m becoming slightly agoraphobic with my anxiety. I just want to turn it off…
…and I can’t.
One month.
One month.
It’s only been one month. The pills that will relieve my symptoms should enter my life soon. But for now I wait. And wait.
I thank God for all of my amazing blessings. I thank God I’m still able to be working since I set my own schedule. I thank God for family who continues to shower buckets of love on me. I thank God for using this to draw me closer to him.
And with that I set out to leave the house to ship a package. Because right now I’m gonna fake it until I make it and be content with knowing I’m doing my best.
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